Saturday, June 13, 2009

What the hell am I doing here?

Everything started to feel so different...

The whole mood is wrong.
It has lost the competitive mood of yester-year...
Felt as though gradually, it is heading in another direction...
A deja-vu effect. A direction that doesn't align with the original grp of members.

It felt like this.
That group which fought competitively, trained competitively and think competitively, seems to be vanishing.
Gradually, all that seems to be replaced....
Replaced by one that takes things more easily.
One which the game becomes a means itself to get people together for other functional purposes.
As oppose to one that gets together becos of the game.
One where dinners/lunches are gather without leaving the topic of racing strategy, positioning, how to improve, what more races to head for, etc...
It was a 90 - 10 allocation back then. Which could be why we were second to "that Team".

Now, it seems like a different agenda has surfaced.
An genda that places victory as secondary.
An allocation of 50-50? or even 30-70?

That wasn't what i had in mind back then.
That wasn't how it used to be back then.

As it evolves, it just doesn't seem right to me.. It has seemingly evolved to one familar Team which i left way back then...

Evidently, the committment to competitive trg has changed.
Did people congrgate for the training and achievements or for the "gathering" and fun?

Ever since i first tasted the competitive climate in this game, my main focus and aim was to be competitive in it. Spare me the leisure and PR. I'm not there for the recreation anymore.

It was for the competitive spirirt that the team held and formed unknowingly thru the many hard-fought battles and medals haul , more than anything.
The fighting spirit, on-boat, and off-boat.
is losing... was lost...
Was "stunned" when this Team was proclaimed as "less competitive" and "more leisure" now in a bid to get more people...
In times of "survival", everything evolved. Evolved not for the better, unfortunately.
Probably that signals a mis-fit on my end.

Am just trying to find that bit of remaining competitive spirit on-board, and hold on to it as long as I can.
Not sure how long, before it became overwhelmed...
For now, I felt already 50% of it is lost...

It's gradually losing that same meaning to me.

I rather have a competitive one... Not one that only gets serious on competition days, and backed with lotsa consolation and speeches on the aftermath,which were all threwn behind after that.
Not one which puts competition as secondary.
That means, people train for one purpose.
To taste the victory as a Team. Not as a fun game.
To me, It's not fun anymore.

Has it been "corrupted"?
A Game that loses its competitive edge?
Or rather, a Team that loses its competitive edge.

If goals are mis-aligned, it became a struggle to hang onto it.
when personal agenda comes into play.
Just for a bit longer, but how long can i hold onto it til...?

A question for myself to reflect..
"Why am I still there"
"what the hell am i doing here...?"
I guess, its for the undeserving lost last year which we hope to regain in 6 months time. But judging from the look of it, it seems distance...


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